July 21, 2011
July 14, 2011
It has been a crazy summer thus far. Busy !! Is one word. Tired !! Is another. But, I wouldn't have it any other way. Seriously, if I get bored... I think too much... and who wants to do that??!! :) Last month was spent mostly at school for Drivers Ed. and Cheer. I am so proud of my Cheerios. They worked so hard every practice and did great at camp. One of the greatest awards they got was the Leadership Award. This is given to the squad that is voted on by all the other squads at camp. It is awarded to the squad that shows friendship, leadership, service, and that all other squads want to be on. What a great tribute to my girls. When they announced our name... The girls ran up to get the plaque. When they ran up, 300 girls from other schools started moving their arms and chanting "Dixie Flyers". I got goosebumps.. and started to tear up. It isn't hard to make me cry as of late. But, it was definitely a good cry. :) Drivers Ed. is same old, same old. I do really enjoy being with the kids. They make me laugh and teach me so much. It is where I belong. Soo... that is me in a nutshell for the last month. Now, that I facebook and twitter... it is hard to keep up with it all. But, at least I have a record of me being alive in three places... Just in case I ever lose myself. :)
May 27, 2011
May 22, 2011
Somewhere along the lines of my mom's passing, Tessa stopped calling me Tampa, and now calls me grandma. At first, I wasn't all to happy about it. Let's face it, it definitely aged me, and I felt it somehow wasn't fitting. But, as time passed I realized that to her somehow that is what I am, and that is all that matters. It is quite amazing when you think about it. No one told her to call me that. A two year old, with the wisdom beyond her years made me a grandma because deep down she knew that is what I needed to be, not only for her, but for me. Now, when I hear that name, it warms my heart, and I come running... willing to do whatever she would have me do. Let's face it, with this face I would bark like a dog on all fours if she wanted me to. :) But, for now I will let her call me grandma... because she loves me enough and trusts me enough to make it so. I am a lucky grandma !!
May 11, 2011
Well, April has come and gone already. Seriously, the older I get the more I forget what day it is... and then the school year is over. :) One of my students today said, "Miller what are you 30?" I grabbed and hugged him hard and said, "And you get an A this quarter !! " Haha, no but, I am turning 40 this year. FORTY !!! Can you believe it??!!! I definitely don't feel it or think I look it. K, not true.. I feel like I am a little emotionally off more at the girl time. Yah, I know too much info... But, I definitely get whackier at that time... or it might just be cause I had the year from hell... :) But, in the middle of my life I find myself pondering what I have done and what I want to do... and I also find myself making more decisions for me. I think a lot of time we forget that we need to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. I know that most of growing up, I would make decisions to please my parents, or boys, or friends. But, now I honestly feel that I make decisions that our good for me. Now, there would have been a time in the past when I would have felt that was selfish.. but now I realize that it is just healthy and satisfying. So amongst all this thinking and self evaluating... I have a spot where I do my "Middle Age Thinking". It is my backyard. I work my butt off to make it a beautiful place to escape. I have the tan to show for it too. :) But honestly, it soothes me and straightens out my rattled brain when I need it most. My friend Andee was down for Easter and took some great pics of it. She has one of those artsy eyes that can picture the angle... so she took some great pics. But, before you look, I want you to promise to make an escape for yourself. Whether it be exercise, spa, nails, walking, reading... or whatever. We all just need to say NO sometimes and go to our escape. We need to recuperate, rejuvenate, and self contemplate. Then we can go back out there and get dirty again... live and enjoy life. We shouldn't live and survive life.... so take the time to escape !!
April 09, 2011
April 06, 2011
A SHINING SWAN
I was born into this world as an Ugly Duckling.
The one that did not fit in. Ridiculed, manipulated, abused, and cheated of her childhood.
No one protected me from the ugliness… not my mother, father, brother. I feel like I don’t belong in this place of darkness, hatred, ugliness.
I sought solace in my friends, singing, make-believe, makeup, shopping, and eventually my religion.
Soon the ugliness was wearing thin. I could see past my ugly beak, my tattered feathers, my nightmares, my gawky cries.
Light penetrated my soul, and I was reborn. Escaped my past, to start anew, to learn I am not an Ugly Duckling, but a loving mother to be.
The love of a child made me whole. The ugliness pushed down deep inside me, set aside my needs for my children, to ensure that they knew no ugliness, no harm, no hate. They were not Ugly Ducklings in my eyes.
Give of myself to all. I understand pain; I can empathize with the pain of others. Take their ugliness away. Don’t want them to be Ugly Ducklings. I will carry their pain. I want to carry their pain.
No time or place can change your past. Fought for the good, the light, but my ugliness was within, calling me, beckoning me. I lost one child to it. Pain, ugliness, always beckoning me. Not strong enough to fight it. Not fair, a victim, I will always be an Ugly Duckling.
Family now broken but not hopeless, I still have hope. Never lose hope. Hang their pictures on my wall. Write their names in my book, call their names in my sleep, and whisper their names in my prayers. My family, my light, the only thing not ugly in my life. I am tired of being an Ugly Duckling. Sickness afflicts me, makes me weak. Why must I be an Ugly Duckling? Hold onto the light, hold onto my family. My light.
I close my eyes for good in my sleep. A light beyond all others penetrates my soul with peace. I see his strong, brown eyes of comfort and peace. His outstretched hands waiting for mine, the scar in his hands warms my soul, and lightens my pain.
I am home. I look up to see my reflection in his eyes. I am not an Ugly Duckling, not a deformed bird. I see white, a beauty beyond anything I have seen before. I am a Stunning Swan in his love. I was always a Swan. I understand now. The ugliness is gone forever. Never again will I be an Ugly Duckling. I am a Graceful Swan, swimming in the pools of heaven, preparing the way for my family to swim by my side. My Baby Swans to be with me again. Here I am progressing. Not standing still anymore, not sick but strong, for I am an Unfinished Swan. I work towards being a mother again, a Shining Swan for her young. For that is all I ever wanted to be and will continue to be.
January 20, 2011
A couple of weekends ago, I went up to Cedar for Hutcher's baptism. How beautiful and special it is to see someone you love so much walk up to you dressed up all in white with a glowing grin on their face. Hutch is so special. He has this inner strength about him, that makes you feel stronger. He also has the ability to make you feel like you are the only person in the room and that you matter. I love him so much and am so proud of him !! I am grateful for the gospel, and the basic teachings it gives us. As I get older, there is nothing better than to see the children in my life believe and live these teachings. It is a joy to me !!
January 11, 2011
For some reason I have been getting free movie channels lately. So of course, I have been going through and taping ones that I have not seen yet. Dad and I watched one last night, "Invictus". Loved it. It is a true story based on the life of Nelson Mandela. What a great example of forgiveness and perseverance he is. Plus it had some great music, rugby, and actors in it. But, by far, I loved the poem that the movie was named after. Mandela was in a small prison for 27 years... some say wrongly accused. He used this poem to get him through. You know it is easy to complain about the problems in our own lives... we didn't get this, or being tired... etc. But, when I look at someone like him, and what he overcame... I have no room to talk or complain. We can choose our attitudes, our reactions, our words, our lives, our friends, our beliefs, our everything. How blessed are we to live in a country where we can be "Captain of our Souls". It was an inspiration to me. Yah, I will be purchasing it !!
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
December 16, 2010
|Digital slideshow personalized with Smilebox|
A video the kids put together for motivation !!
December 08, 2010
This year Chan and Andee paid for me to fly up to Sandy for Turkey Day. It was such a good time. Good food, friends, shopping, and chilling. Chan is an amazing cook.. amazing turkey with brine ??!! Still not sure what it is, but who cares cause it was dang good. And waldrof ??!! salad, yummy !!! My favorites were shopping with Andal, laughing like crazy at the table making toasts, and sitting by the tree just chatting. It was freaking freezin... on Thanksgiving I think the high was 19 degrees. We also went and saw Harry Potter. Will had to explain things as the movie went cause I am not a big Harry Potter fan. I do like Hermoine now though. She kicks magic ass !! Thank you soo much Chan and Andee for loving me and being good to me. Love you guys !!
November 19, 2010
This last Monday was my cousin Nells birthday. Me, Dad, Charlie, and Tessarou went over to Chris and Lauren's for some grub and cake. It is her 50th birthday, and I wanted to do a post about her because she is an amazing woman. Some of my best memories of Nells, is driving with her as she blared Juice Newton and rocked out by hitting her steering wheel, while puckering her lips. :) I also remember great times when I lived with her, Julie, and Sue my senior year of high school. Nells has always been there for me. When I first started remembering things with my mom... Nells was there, and although the news was shocking, and unbelievable, she never doubted me or judged me. She was there for me when I went through the temple, to be my side when I took my endowments out. But, when I think of Nells, not only do I think of these things, but I think of a strong amazing woman that has been through so much with her health and her mom... and she has kept her head held high... and shown so much strength !! Nells, I love you very much !! And admire you so much for your strength and courage !! I am proud to be your cousin !!