March 31, 2010

Three Little Words

A couple of weeks ago the boys came and stayed with me over the weekend. Hutcher wanted me to set up an email account for him. After he got home, he sent me an email the next day... This is what it said:

love you forever

Seriously... could three words ever be more meaningful than that !! I could have died blissfully happy at that point !! I bahled.. because those three little words made all that is painful, and unimportant in my life melt away. :)

March 18, 2010

Iphone Fun

I swear if I could... I would marry my Iphone !! List of priorities.. 1) God 2) Family 3) Friends 4) Iphone... It might come before some of those at times though !! :) Here are some pics I have made on it as of late. It is addicting !!

March 07, 2010

38 And Still Kicking... I Am Lucky

Welp, yesterday was my 38th birthday....Two away from 40. I just don't feel that old guys !! Might look it, but don't act it or feel like it. :) Tammi got me an awesome cake, she has a friend that makes them... and I got a little bored last night lying in bed at midnight... so got a little creative with my Colorsplash on my Iphone !! But, to celebrate this day I thought I would write 38 memories that I have had over the past 38 years that have changed me or made me who I am today. And with that said here they are in no particular order:

1) When I was in kindergarten I used to play Wonder Woman with all the boys. They would chase me with their fake guns and shoot me, and of course I had my fake wristlets on my wrist that would deflate their bullets. As long as I can remember, I have always gotten along better with boys than with girls and had more guy friends than girlfriends.. Go figure !! :)
2) Going through the temple for the first time... I was nervous !! Didn't know what to expect or think. Right when I walked in, one of the greeters (cute old man), looked at me and smiled and took my hand. His hand was firm and warm, and he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Welcome Home". It just so happened that he was the same guy that pulled me through and lead me to the celestial room... which for all extensive purposes is home !!
3) I will never forget when Carter came home from his mission. Dad flew me up to Salt Lake to surprise Carter on his layover. I was going to fly back with him to St. George. When I got to Salt Lake in the morning, I found out Carter's flight was delayed. I ended up staying all day in the airport, but it was worth it cause when his flight came it was awesome. I remember standing by the door waiting for him, and of course he waited to be the last one up the ramp. When I saw him, we ran to each other and embraced. Words can not describe the emotions that were felt. I always think that those emotions will be felt again when I die and see loved ones that have passed before me.
4) Covina 2nd Ward- This was my ward growing up in California. There was something magical about that ward. The families and people that made up the ward are and were such a big contribution to the fantastic memories I have today. Youth trips, seminary trips, ward outings, people young and old in that ward, it was truly just a magical time and place in my life.
5) My first kiss was with Mr. Robb Contreras.... Fifth grade. Rob and I would always chase each other and tease each other. For my birthday my fifth grade year, he got me a stuffed porcipine.. HA !! It had this brown medallion thing hanging from it's neck. I remember thinking it was the best present I had ever gotten... and that this stuffed animal was going on my bed first at the head of the line of all my stuffed animals. He kissed me that day.. just a long peck... but, I will never forget those lips, or his soft brown eyes that stared into mine. To this day, I melt over brown eyed boys.
6) When my grandpa died about seven years ago, I was with him. Some might feel that this would not be a good memory... but for me it was both. My cousin and I stayed with him through the night. He was living in a detached cottage next to my dad's house. I remember watching him sleep and listening to his breathing. Something changed in him... and his breathing became deeper, and his countenance transparent. He opened his eyes, and reached out his hand. I grabbed his hand in mine... and his once frail hand, became strong and firm, and squeezed my hand tight. He looked straight at me, or almost through me, and smiled... the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. He said, "Be good", and then he was gone. A feeling of peace and warmth beyond measure came over me... and I knew, I KNEW... that he had passed on to a better place and was happy there.
7) My dad is Santa Clause... every year it is the same thing... "I am cutting back this year !" and every year he doesn't. Growing up with Santa Clause was a real treat for me and Carter.... so some of my best memories are of Christmas time. Carter and I used to stay up all night on Christmas Eve and play board games. One of our favorites was battleship, before the sound affects were built into the game. :) To this day I truly believe in the spirit of Santa Clause. And to this day, I swear, that one night long ago, I saw him flying in the sky !! I SWEAR !! :)
8) 3rd grade Star Wars Play- Yah it's true when I was in third grade... I played Princess Leia... had the buns and everything !! And to this day, I love Star Wars and for all that it stands for !!
9) I will always remember the surreal magic of when Dodo was born (Porter), it was the first time I had ever seen childbirth for real or in movies, I skipped the video in high school. :) Watching that miracle take place... made me believe even more than I did before that children are our saving grace.
10) Going to Disneyland every year for my birthday... and now three times a year !! Great memories... great food... great place... It just makes me happy !!
11) My first year at BYU- My first year away from home was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. But, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life... I grew and learned so much about myself and others.. and the friends I made will always be with me.
12) Stacy- My little sister came to us at a time when my family needed her most. Carter was 10, I was 15... and well it was just boring around our house. :) She came along.. the little spitfire... and lit her way into our lives. She still does... I love her !!
13) Becoming a godmom and aunt... Yah, I know.. Mormon's aren't godmom's... but I am breaking the mold... cause I am both and proud of it. The memories I have with my three godkids just warm my soul... Carter and his bulldozer talk, Will and his hilarious whit, and my cute Briannie... saying WAHAT !! When I used to call her name... They have and will always be a part of me. My niece and nephews are my angels... and bring great happiness in my life on a daily basis... they sustain my happiness !!
14) Being hired at Dixie High School was the beginning of the end for me. It is my home away from home... where I belong. The roots at that school, the spirit... breathes me to life and I will die there !!
15) Going to the temple with Tammi- For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted a direct answer from God of who I am going to marry, or why I am not married......So at one point I had, had it... and directly asked God to answer my questions when I went to the temple... and he did through my sister Tammi. I will never forget that session with her, and her intuitiveness to my needs. I am forever grateful to her for that.
16) Deciding my career- I think I have told this story on my blog before... but to make a long story short... I became a special ed. teacher because one of my students while I was a paraprofessional smiled at me.. when I had never seen her smile before !! It changed my life.
17) Andee/Chan/Swen/Tammy- You know those people you meet... that you just know you knew before. There was a period of time that I spent with these four people that just cannot be replaced. We had so much fun and laughter... It is just memorable and always will be.
18) Dancing walks with Julie my cousin... As a youngin' (is that a word?) my family would go up to Leeds, Utah during the summer to visit my grandfather. My cousins would come as well. I will never forget the good times we had at grandpa's house. My favorite memory is of me and Julie dancing down the dead streets in Leeds to Depeche Mode... and not to an Ipod... To a boom box !! Oh the good old days ! :)
19) My Angel- I have a guardian angel.. I can't give details because it is too precious to me.. but she is and has been there for me in ways that I am truly blessed.
20) Shopping with mom- My mom and I used to go shopping a lot !! Hence, the shopping problem I have now. But, I will always remember how much fun we had and the joyous times we shared.
21) Abuse- I truly believe that bad memories shape us into good people. I have been abused in ways that are indescribable... but have made me who I am.. and that I wouldn't change.
22) Water- You know as you grow up your parents have you try a bunch of different things in hopes that you will find a talent, or something that you like to do... well mine that stuck was swimming... Not necessarily because I was good at it, but more because the water soothed me to be in it, to look at it, to smell it. It has always been a beauty in my eyes... hence why I want to move to Hawaii some day !!
23) Decorating- I started decorating at Christmas time for my family... Our house was literally Santa's Workshop... Remember my dad is Santa !! :) It was from there that I grew to love making a house a home. I love my house and how it makes me feel at ease and happy !! It is a security, and a fortress for me... of beauty !!
24) Las Vegas- Wow... don't think I am going to go into details on some of my memories in Las Vegas.. HA !! But, I wouldn't be who I am today if I had not gone there. I was truly alone in Las Vegas... no ties, no friends, no family... ALONE !! And it is there that I truly lived and found me !!
25) Buying my first home... UGH !! I hate home buying with a passion !! But, I will never forget how awesome I felt when I bought my first home. I as so proud of myself (thanks for the starter money pops) !! I must have opened and closed my garage door with my garage door opener eighty times !!
26) Bob (Allison)- Truly, Bob was a peace for me through some of the most trying and changing times in my life. We have grown apart... mostly my fault. :( But, she will always be a big part of who I am... because she kept me sane through it.
27) Going back east with Smel and her family. When I was sixteen, I had the great opportunity of going back east with my friend Melanie. We went to New York, Connecticut... etc. It was by far one of the greatest trips I have been on. I learned a lot about our country, and think that this has added to my love and pride for the country I live in. I will forever be grateful to Smel and her family for taking me, and my parents allowing me to go.
28) Activities Commissioner- My parents were always good about pushing me to be involved at school and in life. I tried many things growing up like most other kids... but I think the one that stuck and still does.. Was when I was over activities my senior year in high school. I love planning things... being in charge, bossing people around. :) I used to stand on the roof at school and speak in a microphone bossing everyone around !! Hence, I have become a school teacher... been advisor for student council, and hope to be someday again. :)
29) My baptism- I will never forget the feeling I had coming out of the water of my baptism... free, clean, pure, blessed, loved, full, joy, contentment.... It was a moment I will never forget.
30) The Sacred Grove- When I went back east with Mel and her family we went to the Sacred Grove. It was there that I gained a testimony of Joseph Smith. My testimony of him has been touched and strengthened since then at different times in my life. He was an amazing man of strength... a tragic hero mind you. I feel close to him at times in my life... and draw strength from his great example. One Christmas Dad, Stace, and I went up to Salt Lake to participate in his birthday celebration. I will always remember how I felt about him as I sat next to my dad that day. When I die, he will be one of the first ones I seek out... to embrace, and say, "Thank you, my Joseph."
31) Patriartichal Blessing- I love my blessing. It is so me !! It is and will continue to be a great memory and sustaining power in my life.
32) Mariposa Inn- Ha... yah this is a great memory for me !! My family used to go to dinner at Mariposa, in Covina, California at least twice a week. They knew us there, and our favorite waiter was Rueben. I think why this is such an intrical memory for me is that my family has had many dinners out before and since then... but back then at that time... we were all together, happy, no worries in the world. Sometimes the harsh reality of things, or feelings, or jealousy, or sadness, or whatever it may be... can change family dinners. Back then... Mariposa was our families best dinners together. :) But, I know we will have more to come.
33) Stake Dances- Man, in California... we used to know how to do church dances !!! Great memories of fun, music, and dancing for me. I know that from this I have gained a love of music and what music stands for. I especially like to listen to the lyrics and psychoanalyze their meanings... Yah, I'm good at that. :)
34) Furry animals- I think like all young girls... I loved my stuffed animals. I used to talk to them, cry to them, laugh at them, and play with them. My love for the stuffed... changed to my love for the real thing. I absolutely love dogs...mine especially. :) I have always loved the comic "Calvin and Hobbes." It rings true with me that real or stuffed, we all need a furry friend that would do anything for us, and always be there in the good times and bad.
35) Being sealed to Stace- I will never forget when we were sealed to Stace in the temple. It strengthened my testimony about families.. and being together forever. I will never forget how beautiful my two younger siblings were when dressed in white. I remember smiling at them, looking at their beautiful faces and thinking as their older sister... that it was my job to always protect them from the ugly in the world.... to be strong for them... to be honest with them... and to fight for them. I think this is where I get my protectiveness... and mother henness from for those that I love.
36) My sixth sense- In my blessing... it says I have the ability to recognize truth. All throughout my life, I have been able to see and feel truth in people, nature, books, etc... Sometimes it is a blessing sometimes it is a curse. But, it is a part of me that I have come to embrace... and show more... in the process I have hurt some, but in the process I have helped. I know that the memories I have had and will continue to have with this ability will always make me who I am... good or bad.
37) Extended families- I have been blessed with many great friends in my life... some have been my sisters, mothers, brothers... etc. Memories that always put a smile on my face... these close relationships I have had have taught me how to serve others, and be a friend.
38) And my last, I just don't know if I covered everything... but, only can share one more... :) My last one, actually happened on my 38th birthday. My dad.... is a man of few words when it comes to sharing how he feels about you. He more likes to show it !! :) For my birthday this year, my pops wrote me a letter about how he feels about me. It stole my breath away, the kindness and love, and what he thinks of me, branded my heart and renewed my faith in myself. It created a memory I will never forget !! Love you pops.

Sorry for the long post.... but as you can see, I have a full and happy life. I am lucky in the memories I have had... good or bad. I am so grateful to be me ! To have gone where I have gone, to be where I am, and to go where I am going..... I am lucky..... and still kicking... and always will !! :)

Have to add one more picture from my cake at the McArthur's... Bean managed to actually put 38 candles on it. I was impressed !! The cake is on fire !! Love it :)

March 05, 2010

Lunch Dates... Baby Steps

To make a long story short, and to not beat a dead horse.... My mom hurt me pretty bad about four years ago. A lot has happened since then good and bad. For awhile I couldn't see her, but I decided this year I would start taking baby steps to get back what we had before it all happened. It's funny how you think that so much has changed cause of events that have taken place, but in all honesty they haven't. My mom has psychosis dementia.. at least that is what they call it. But, the more time I spend with her... the more I heal... and the more it is the same between us as it was. She might not remember everything, but it seems there is a familiarity within her that reaches out to me to make me feel at ease with her. I don't know if it will ever honestly be exactly the same... but at this point I don't really care. I am enjoying talking to her and teasing her like we used to. As she got out of the car last week.. she turned and looked at me and said, "LUFF YOU" in a constipated voice. :) It is something we used to say to each other long ago. Two words, said in a familiar way... can heal a hole in a heart. The baby steps I am taking might someday turn into giant leaps... but for now these small steps are enjoyable... I am just glad that I am finally stepping towards her.

March 03, 2010

Just Say No !!

As my little Bubba gets older... I am struggling with the fact that he is associating with girls more... and getting hugs from them. In fact, I seem to over react more than his mom... big shocker !! :) But, I think that it has something to do with the fact that I work with teenage girls, and I know how forward they can be... and like the godmother cub, I will attack if you mess with my Bubba, girls !! So Carter likes to rub it in at times or get a rise out of me. The other day we had a picture text fight which was hilarious.

Carter: I hugged a girl today !!

Me: You better not !! I will kick your ass !! SCARY HUH !! :)

Carter: Oh, I am sooo scared !! Not !!

Me: Oh you better be !! See this, it will meet your ass hard !!

And so again, the lesson learned here Carter... is that I always win in our conversations !! Whether they be text, picture text, wrestling, yelling, etc. I WILL WIN !!! :) So just say no to girls BUBBA !!!