April 09, 2011
April 06, 2011
A SHINING SWAN
I was born into this world as an Ugly Duckling.
The one that did not fit in. Ridiculed, manipulated, abused, and cheated of her childhood.
No one protected me from the ugliness… not my mother, father, brother. I feel like I don’t belong in this place of darkness, hatred, ugliness.
I sought solace in my friends, singing, make-believe, makeup, shopping, and eventually my religion.
Soon the ugliness was wearing thin. I could see past my ugly beak, my tattered feathers, my nightmares, my gawky cries.
Light penetrated my soul, and I was reborn. Escaped my past, to start anew, to learn I am not an Ugly Duckling, but a loving mother to be.
The love of a child made me whole. The ugliness pushed down deep inside me, set aside my needs for my children, to ensure that they knew no ugliness, no harm, no hate. They were not Ugly Ducklings in my eyes.
Give of myself to all. I understand pain; I can empathize with the pain of others. Take their ugliness away. Don’t want them to be Ugly Ducklings. I will carry their pain. I want to carry their pain.
No time or place can change your past. Fought for the good, the light, but my ugliness was within, calling me, beckoning me. I lost one child to it. Pain, ugliness, always beckoning me. Not strong enough to fight it. Not fair, a victim, I will always be an Ugly Duckling.
Family now broken but not hopeless, I still have hope. Never lose hope. Hang their pictures on my wall. Write their names in my book, call their names in my sleep, and whisper their names in my prayers. My family, my light, the only thing not ugly in my life. I am tired of being an Ugly Duckling. Sickness afflicts me, makes me weak. Why must I be an Ugly Duckling? Hold onto the light, hold onto my family. My light.
I close my eyes for good in my sleep. A light beyond all others penetrates my soul with peace. I see his strong, brown eyes of comfort and peace. His outstretched hands waiting for mine, the scar in his hands warms my soul, and lightens my pain.
I am home. I look up to see my reflection in his eyes. I am not an Ugly Duckling, not a deformed bird. I see white, a beauty beyond anything I have seen before. I am a Stunning Swan in his love. I was always a Swan. I understand now. The ugliness is gone forever. Never again will I be an Ugly Duckling. I am a Graceful Swan, swimming in the pools of heaven, preparing the way for my family to swim by my side. My Baby Swans to be with me again. Here I am progressing. Not standing still anymore, not sick but strong, for I am an Unfinished Swan. I work towards being a mother again, a Shining Swan for her young. For that is all I ever wanted to be and will continue to be.