It's funny how you can be so blessed.... yet bitch about life so easily. Most of the time, I don't mind being single... and not having my own family. But, at times that emptiness will peek it's head around the corner and laugh at me. I was taking my niece and nephews to see Santa last week and it hit me... I might not ever have my own kids to bring to see Santa. It hurts !! More now than usual. It seems that the holidays as of late bring this out in me. Which just sucks... cause I love the holidays. But, my siblings are both with their families... starting traditions... and me... well I am here. And.. I love, love, love the Christmas cards... but, still hard. Now, I am not writing this to get a pity party.... just venting some sadness. I mentioned it to my family cause I was in the depressed, quiet, state for a couple of days... my dad said I should get a baby. Honestly, I have thought about it... whether through adoption, or insemination... But, when I think about it, I just don't feel completely right bringing a child in this world without a father. Every baby deserves a chance at that. So, I just get stuck.... stuck at the fork in my road. Now mind you... I do eventually get over this. Right now, I am climbing over that fork as we speak... I can see the other side of the road.... and I see all the fantastic blessings I have in my life. I know I do. Andal reminded me of the great families that let me baby their babies. I also get to baby many babies in my career.
So when I reach that fork... I just have to remind myself of these things. I still have a long life and after life to live.... and somewhere on that road... someday I will take my own child to see Santa !!
6 comments:
Hey Girl - I can totally imagine that the Holidays, especially Christmas would make you have child-envy. - Tanner just took a black magic marker and drew on the carpet. Maybe I'll put that in my Christmas card next year and you won't feel so bad :) Your doing the right thing by surrounding yourself with kids young & old who love you and you love them. Enjoy them - Jenn
I love you Tam
I know exactly what you mean...you are just brave enough to admit it! Love ya! ~Lil Roo
Tammy! Me and you will make some new traditions. Ha ha. You can take me to see Santa too. (: Love ya Tam!
You go girl!!!! We love you and I am glad you can be strong and take that fork on!!! I agree with Preppy Principal "you are brave!"
Tam - I remember when I was going through a particularly rough time in my life quite a while ago. You came to visit me and brought me a picture of Christ carrying a lamb and the saying said "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it". I think of that all the time and it totally helps. I love you and hope this funk leaves you soon! You rock!!!
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